Embracing Gratitude Through Times of Grief - Lasting Lessons Learned from Max
For many people, a pet is not just a pet. Most 'dog' people will tell you there's nothing quite like the companionship of man's best friend. In our family, Max, our beloved dog of 14 and a half years, has been more than a companion. He's been a source of unconditional love, a silent confidant, and a constant presence through life's ups and downs.
We are a party of five, and with Matt, Max brought another male presence into the house. Our everyday routines, from waking up in the morning to going to bed at night, always included our four-legged friend. We would come home from work/school and troubles seem to fade away when an eager Max greeted us at the door. Michelle even infamously sang, rightfully so, that Max made our house a home.
Logic tells you that dogs have a shorter lifespan, but much like the pain of childbirth becomes a memory so does the hurt and pain of saying goodbye. But now, as we watch Max struggle not only with dementia and mobility issues, but distressing seizures, we have been faced with the heart-wrenching decision of assessing his quality of life, and acknowledging it is time for him to cross over the Rainbow Bridge. Max has enriched our lives more than I could ever imagine. We needed him, more than he needed us. The lessons his presence and absence will teach are those that we will carry for the rest of our lives.
As we navigate the challenging emotions of Max's final days, our hearts are heavy with grief. This time also opens a door to deeper reflection on the immeasurable love and lessons he's imparted, guiding us towards a more profound understanding of life and death. Winter is a time for quietude and reflection, a process of grieving and embracing gratitude for unconditional love. I experienced this recently during a pigeon pose in yoga, which, as many yogis will tell you, can release a slew of emotions. Although at times it’s easier to process by pushing said emotions down, this time I’m trying to embrace the sadness and teach the girls to do the same. Celebrate the good times, tell stories and share memories to keep his spirit alive in our house.
In the wellness sphere, we often talk about longevity and disease prevention - think The Blue Zones and brain foods. It's a world filled with do's and don'ts aimed at dodging Alzheimer's or living to a ripe old age. But there's another dimension to wellness, one that's not measured in years or cognitive tests. It's about the quality of life, a topic that becomes vividly clear when we face tough decisions about our loved ones, including our pets.
This journey with Max has made me rethink what quality of life means for us humans too. Is it merely about avoiding certain foods to prevent Alzheimer's? Or is there something deeper, more nuanced in our pursuit of wellness?
Quality of Life Is More Than Just Physical Health
For Max, quality of life once meant chasing balls (thank you Kong launcher) and miles long walks. Now, it's about comfort, peace, and being surrounded by his family. Similarly, for us, wellness isn't just about physical health or longevity. It's about happiness, fulfillment, and the ability to truly enjoy our days, whether we're 20 or 80.
The Value of Unconditional Presence
Max's unwavering presence reminds us of the importance of connections - not just the social kind, but a deeper, more empathetic bond with those around us. In the U.S., where we're constantly chasing the next thing (a promotion at work, a bigger house, a better vacation), perhaps what we need most is the unconditional love and acceptance that pets like Max provide. When life would feel too stressful, or when faced with any type of challenge like losing a loved one too young - Max was there. He never judged (or at least if he did, he couldn’t verbally tell us), he didn’t ask for an explanation, he would simply lay near and provide support. Now as I write this on his last day, amidst the tears, he is providing just that.
Sometimes the most loving decision requires immense courage and empathy. Letting go doesn't mean giving up, it means understanding when a different kind of care is needed, and when peace outweighs prolonging, and when love means saying goodbye. This isn’t limited to a loved one’s passing but can be relevant to the loss of a dream, loss of a marriage or loss of a friendship.
As we seek wellness in our lives, let's remember that it's not just about the quantity of years but the quality of our days. And sometimes, the purest lessons come not from textbooks or health gurus but from the silent, loving gaze of a family pet like Max.
A principle of The Blue Zones is the importance of nurturing strong relationships and living purposefully. This can be mirrored in how we care for and make decisions about our beloved pets. As much pain as grief brings, I don’t want it to take away from the importance of love for our 6 and 8 year old girls. Quick shout out to The Invisible Leash for helping with this message.
It’s strange because dogs can’t speak, but they understand every word you say (namely “walk,” “treat,” “bath,” and “love”). The human-animal bond is powerful — if for no other reason than that you can truly love one another unconditionally. I hope that as our best friend begins his next journey, his head is out the window, wind blowing in his face as he meets his best buddy Arnie on the other side. May there be a lot of tennis balls and squirrels in Dog Heaven.
I am grateful for but will always miss him begging for food under the kitchen table, or following me around while cooking. I’ll miss him by my side on this work from home segment of my life. I’ll miss him barking at my dad for no other reason than he knew he would get a walk at any time of day. In my mind, he will forever protect the girls and our house, growling at any other dog walking by. A fixture at HHS pick-up, I will miss his patience and kindness, letting any child pet him, despite whatever pain he may have been feeling internally. I will miss our morning walks after school drop off, quite possibly the most.
Dogs fill lives with joy, love and life lessons. As our family moves forward in our grief, with moments of reflection, inspired by Max's simpler, quieter days, I've been drawn to the Dutch practice of Niksen - the art of doing nothing, but with the purpose to do nothing. This practice certainly plays into why they are some of the happiest people on Earth. Much like Max found joy in the little things or in doing nothing at all, Niksen teaches us the value of slowing down, embracing stillness, and allowing ourselves the space to just be. As a recovering Type A overachiever, this practice reminds me that there's healing, clarity and wellness in moments of purposeful rest and mindless relaxation, a lesson Max has lived out in his final days. I encourage you to loosen your concept of time and productivity in the coming New Year and practice this simple exercise. Allowing your brain to rewire from stress by doing nothing, (nothing does not mean scrolling) is a wellness practice worth implementing.
As we prepare to say our final farewell to Max, his last days remind our family that true wellness and a life well-lived encompasses not only productivity and being active, but also finding peace in stillness, embracing life's ebbs and flows.
—-
The Rainbow Bridge, Author Unknown
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together.
